Okay, first of all, Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex want to let all of the crusty comment crumpets know that they are not one of your little friends. After enduring years of unjustified and vile scrutiny from the British tabloids, Harry and Meghan took to Instagram (INSTAGRAM!) today to announce, like Ciara f. Nicki Minaj in 2013, "I'm out!"
Conscious uncoupling is so early 2000s; in the future we're all Conscious Uncrowning. The couple is set to step back from public life, decamp to Canada, and earn their own coin from now on so all of the haters can go munch on some chewy poutine and stay mad about it. Truly this is a banner day for people whose therapists are trying to help them establish firm boundaries, people who don't read the comments sections, and the website LinkedIn.ca.
Can you believe this is happening? In public? I read this statement and immediately doused myself in a vat of English Breakfast tea like I was a coach who just won the Super Bowl. But wait! There's more. Not to be outdone, the Crown released its own statement that said, to paraphrase Princess Anne, "bloody likely."
"Discussions with the the Duke and Duchess are at an early stage," Buckingham Palace said. "We understand their desire to take a different approach, but these are complicated issues that will take time to work through." My wig! The Queen was like "Oh, so you want to give Olivia Colman the Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Drama? I'll show you drama." This is, to put it in scientific terms, too much.
Harry and Meghan declared to the world that they were going to make like Matthew Perry in The Whole Nine Yards and find gainful Canadian employment and Queen Elizabeth was like "Hm. Interesting. We'll talk about it." This is such a family move. You make a bold declaration about what you're going to do and your grandmother just nods and is like "Well, that's one option."
What will happen next? Is Queen Elizabeth going to pull her Land Rover on to a London airstrip to keep Harry and Meghan's plane from taking off? Will they keep posting calm but firm messages to each other on Instagram forever? Who is updating Meghan's résumé and can it be Jessica from Parasite?
Here's what we know for sure: if you are a producer on Deal or No Deal you should probably stop waiting by the phone. Everything else is up in the air. Will Meghan start writing for The Tig again? Will it pivot to sly content about dealing with your in-laws? Will she recap the last season of Schitt's Creek, adding poignant commentary about her own experience setting up life in a new place? Will they go on Househunters or whatever the Canadian version of it is? Hoosehunters? Anything is possible.
Meghan could start acting again! How quickly can we get her fitted for a Knives Out sweater? And how lucky are we, and is she, that the potential return to the screen is happening after the filming of Cats. If Tom Hooper put Meghan Markle in digital fur technology, I'd be the one taking to Instagram making a strong, pointed, and measured statement. So, let's be thankful for small blessings. Maybe Meghan wants to guest star on the next season of The Crown as Diahann Carroll or something. Did Diahann Carroll meet the Queen? I don't know and I'm not sure Peter Morgan really cares.
I have never been so happy to see a stranger give up a family trust. I'm sitting here in my American house screaming "Throw the money in the trash! Pawn the crown! Ring Big Ben at odd hours!" Chaos. Anyway, congratulations to Meghan, Harry, Archie, and to the Canadian job market on your two new job candidates!